5:33 am

I haven't posted in a while, I suppose I've been avoiding it.

I've been trying to sit down and write, but its been difficult for me, I think because I'm stressed about the producing side (hence why I'm awake at 5:33am, attempting to get some things done and alleviate some of that anxiety). I would dearly love an Australian producer or co-producer to take on board some of these responsibilities. Particularly someone to do all the publicity stuff. I don't like that sort of thing, I find it difficult and it makes me uncomfortable. I've got some contacts from a friend, but I haven't actually emailed them yet, which I really should do. I'm a brilliant procrastinator, of course.

Anyway.

I'm aware that I have a lot of stuff written already, but that most of it I don't think is relevant or interesting anymore. I'm also aware of the fact that I will actually only need a very little amount of writing, considering its a short show, we are planning on having music as well as physical theatre, and there has to be time for my fellow performer to have her say as well! So, its both comforting and terrifying to think that I only have, maybe, 10 pages to write.

*Phew* Only 10 pages to write.

Argh! I have to distill all my experience from the past year into 10 pages???!!!

You see my problem.

I think its made even more difficult by the fact that I'm still in the midst of the experience, so I can't pick out the important details. I can't pick out the stuff that in 2, 3, 5 years time I'll be including in stories to friends. More than that, when you're in the midst of emotional turmoil, you're so busy feeling everything, its difficult to make any sense of it for an outsider, beyond hackneyed and slightly obvious phrases like, 'I'm homesick', 'I'm confused', 'I'm lonely', 'I'm anxious.'

Though, now that I've written those phrases down in quick succession, they seem to have a power and simplicity that all my previous pages and pages of writing lacks.

Maybe the key is to record what I'm feeling, rather than attempting to make sense of it all. Attempting to make sense of it all just sends me into spirals of self-doubt. Attempting to squash the experience into some sort of narrative structure just doesn't seem to work, probably because I haven't gotten to the natural end date yet: the return home (whether that home is Australia, or ends up being somewhere else). Attempting to create significant moments and stories that explain my situation has just seems false.

Well, isn't that interesting. I feel much more confident about my abilities to write this script now that I've written down some of the problems I've been having.